Bitter Sweet

The day has come. Tomorrow (technically today) is Toni's first day at day care and my first day back at work and at a new job. It's all overwhelming actually. Just thinking about leaving her makes me tear. I am going to look a wreck when I get to my new job! People are going to think I'm hooked on crack or something.

We've just finished getting everything together for her. All her bottles, diaper and wipe supply, change of clothes, blanket, diaper rash cream just in case... PAPER WORK. sigh... I've managed to freeze about 23-24 oz of milk. whew! That's tough when you have a baby wanting to eat and you are trying to freeze a supply. Hopefully while at work I'll be able to pump enough to the next day. I really, really hope so!

I'm so worried with how Toni will be. Will she give them a hard time with the bottle and not eat until I pick her up??? I hope not! But I've heard it can happen in the beginning. Ugh... just thinking about everything is too much. I need to relax and just chill out. I need to get my mindset so I can focus on my new job! Don't want to look bad on the first day.

Some little things she's accomplished or is getting the hang of: holding her bottle. I know, she hasn't even taken to the bottle 100% yet but already she tries to hold it while I try to feed her. Little miss independent already. If I hold her in my lap she starts squirming and she can't even crawl yet! I think the time she spends in the stationary entertainer gives her so much independence that she forgets she can't be that independent on her own outside of it. She is a strong little munchkin! Everyone that's been around her is so amazed at the strength in her neck and legs. They can't believe she's at the point she is at already. Sometimes I think her brain or thinking is ahead of her capabilities. It seems like she wants to crawl, or walk or jump or grab (easily) at things and she hasn't even mastered the skill yet. But it's kind of cool because I think it motivates her to get better. Especially her hand-eye coordination. She's getting better at grabbing things and bringing them to her mouth although sometimes she misses. But she's getting there.

OH! This past Saturday we were at my cousins house for a family gathering. One of my aunts was holding Toni and Toni was fine. She wasn't upset or squirming or anything. Junior went up to Toni and put his hands out and said, "Come to Daddy." And she did! She did that lean into Junior. THAT IS NEW! She hasn't done that before! So Junior went to tell me about it and we weren't sure if it was coincidence or what. So he told me to try. So I did and she came to me! Coincidence twice? Maybe. But I believe she did it intentionally. Although no one could get her to do it again, but maybe that's because she was already with Mommy. hehe.... makes me feel a little better. Well we tried again yesterday and it didn't work either way. So maybe it was coincidence or maybe she's just learning. But my sis in law had a point. Once babies are able to do that, it also means you'll will start experiencing rejection. GASP! Break my heart already, would you? She's right but still.

OK. So although Toni starts school tomorrow and I start a new job, I'm still somewhat excited. Aside from my worries and missing Toni, I am excited to start a new job... AND using my MIS degree no less! Finally! Plus I can start getting back on a regular eating schedule and maybe start losing some of this baby weight! It's so hard to eat regularly (6 times a day) when either I'm about to eat and Toni requires my attention or it's nap time (For her and me). Now I know I could skip naps and eat and then I'd have a regular eating schedule but sleep is much more important than eating to me. ahha! Plus I feed Toni while lying down and we both nap together. It's great bonding! So I'm excited to regain part of my life back and actually start dressing too. I sometimes wear my jammies until I go out and it's not often I get to go out. I would have loved to take her outside for walks but it is too damn hot for that, thank you very much. I'm sure she'd hate it too. So it really is bitter sweet for me. I hate leaving my baby girl but I get to have a life again. Sigh... still... if I won the lotto you better bet your ass I'd stay home!