Sunday Best

Isn't she so adorable?! haha... I know I'm biased. Today I realized I take more time in making her look cute (when she already looks cute in just her diapers) than I do getting myself ready. I threw on a shirt and some jeans, tied my hair back and did a really quick makeup job. I probably could have gone without. But I took the time to dress her up and make her cuter than she already is! haha... anyway, she only wore for about an hour at church. Which, we finally took the baptism class so now she can be baptised at any time! We just have to figure out when. But Im excited! I'm just curious how she will take it. Hopefully she won't cry too bad.

Today she had her first full on giggle!!!! I mean the last few weeks she was laughing a lot. more than just the few 'hehs' and consistently. But today she went on and on!!! Oh my little thing is growing so fast! I tried to record it, but I couldn't get her to do it again. I guess my act was getting old and wasn't THAT funny anymore. I need to think of something else. All I did was tickle her, but I think it's my tone and the way I came at her that cracked her up.

New Stuff Part 2

I didn't really finish the last blog. She has more new things that I didn't have time to blog about last time. But based on my history of "saved" blogs not really being saved, I published it.

But this time, I have pictures! Ok, so the newest thing of them all... today was Toni's first day of solid food! OK, she's only four months and 3 weeks, but they say anywhere between four and six months. She seemed like she might be ready. She watches me eat and always has this chewing motion going on. Plus I figure, I'll try and if it doesn't work out I can try again in a few more weeks.

So I fed her rice cereal (for babies of course!) with breastmilk. Not very much either. Just about one tablespoon. HAHA!!! Wow... what a MESSY thing to do! haha! I mean, duh Gail. What did you think? I don't know why I wasn't thinking about the messy factor. Seemed to just slip my mind for a split second until she reminded me. OK wait. so let me go back to the beginning.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked her dr if we could try introducing her to solids. And he said the number one thing is if they can hold their head up which she does amazingly well. Everyone that comes across her is so amazed how strong she is overall for her age. And she really is. I mean REALLY! So we bought her rice cereal, but just haven't given it to her yet because of the whole hurricane thing and getting her used to daycare and the bottle again... we just didn't want to inflcit too much change all at one time for her. So now that she is back in school and doing 100% with the bottle, we're back in our own home I figured, NOW I can try to introduce her cereal.

I sit her in her infant chair and let her play with the toy on the tray for a bit, which is actually another new thing for her. She's sat in it before and was fine. She'd look at the toy and study it and soon she was over it. She wanted out of the chair and was over the toy. Well today when I sat her in it and was putting the tray on and was already grabbing for the toy and immediately put it in her mouth. She spun the the little toys and was playing. Mostly putting it in her mouth, but playing! That is totally new. So I let her play for a bit beore feeding her.

Ok. So here I am ready to feed her and who's the new mom on the block. (waving my hand in the air) That would be me! I have the bowl in my left hand, spoon in my right and I am holding the spoon right over the bowl and coming towards her with it. UH NO. She reached for the bowl right away! And I had to catch it from spilling everywhere. I laughed at myself. I thought, 'duh... why would you hold the bowl so close to the baby?' hahaha! Lesson learned. But the spoon must still come close to her, obviously. So as I try to feed her the first time, she grabs for the spoon. I manage to get SOME of it in her mouth but most of it in her hands, the tray, her bib (thank God for bibs). After that first try and she saw where I was going with putting hte spoon in her mouth with food, she seemed to understand on some level what I was trying to do. I say that because the next few times were a little more successful. Don't get me wrong, she would still try and grab the spoon and not all of it made it in her mouth but the undestanding seemed to be there. Did she eat any? I'm not sure. haha! I think she's still learning how to eat and so after getting it in her mouth her tounge would push some of it out but it really did look like she was trying to eat. And everytime I fed her she was eager to have the spoon back to try again. So I think that's the most important thing is that she is willing and eager... even if she didn't actually eat anything. I still nursed her afterward anyway. I MAY try again tomorrow or maybe wait until next weekend just to get her used to trying to eat.

She's much better at tummy time also. Did I blog about that last time? haha.. I don't know. But she can really stay on her tummy for a good while and even hold her head up really high. Sometimes she even leans on one arm or tries to reach out with one arm at a toy. The best part? She tries to crawl! I mean she isn't actually crawling but the effort is there. She is lifting her butt and sometimes pushes off her feet. But her head is down when she does this. haha! It's normal for babies to do that anyway. So I see it as another milestone!

Toni is also very talkative! I mean obviously she's just cooing but she does it with such passion and really loud too! It's great!

Thursday night was the first night she slept in her crib all night. Well... mostly all night. She would have if not for me. haha! Seriously, I think she is ready to grow way faster than I am ready for. God please don't let me hold her back for my own selfishness! haha! So she's pretty hot natured. I mean she sweats EASILY. She gets that gene from me because I'm like that but she is worse! So I usually just have her sleep in a t-shirt and diapers. Well that night she was in her crib and I had a blanket over her. Usually she kicks the blanket off. That night I woke up at around 1am. Just one of those things. I wake up every few hours even if I don't have to. It sucks. ANYWAY, so I decide to check on her. She didn't kick her blanket off. I figure she must feel cold. Her arms, which were out from under the blanket, were really cold! So I feel for her legs under the blanket and they are a tad cold too. My poor baby! So I took her out and brought her to bed where she'd be kept warm... and also for my own selfishness. haha!

Well Friday night, she slept through the whole night! This time I dressed her in her pj's with the footsies, but the material was just plain cotton so it was not real thin but a little bit. I still covered her with a blanket. She did fine, although I would prefer that she be kept just a tad warmer since she still had cold arms. So tonight, she is dressed in pj's with footsies but the material is a tad thicker and the blanket is too. And checking on her, she seems just right. Aww... my baby is grown! And if she kinbd of wakes up, she is able to put herself back to sleep by sucking her thumb. So she doesn't depend on me or junior to put her back to sleep. I'm so proud and a little hearbroken too. haha! selfish mom!

Last night, she and I went to my friend Muna's house for her son's first birthday! Sachin is about 6-7 months older so they will be in the same grade! It's exciting! Anyway, there was a point in the night where Muna's brother in law was holding Sachin and her brother holding Toni. And they are talking to each other. It's so cute! Well here's my fast growing daughter, and she reaches over to Sachin as if to hug him... it was so cute! But the look on his face was so funny. He looked a little scared. haha! Later than night when we were about to leave, Toni was already in her seat and Sachin just kept talking to her. Sooooo cute!

Toni's new stuff

Well I have no clue if I've blogged about some of this stuff before or not. So apparent my memory has gone to crap. Oh well. But if I have, then it's not new and if I haven't.. yay!

So first week of school Toni found her thumb. She is a thumb sucker. People ask me if that's a good thing or a bad thing. There are even article's out there where some say it's bad ans some say it's good. Well I think it all depends in each individual situation. In my opinion I think it's a good thing. I was kind of always hoping she's be a thumb sucker over a pacifier anyway. At least she won't have that dependency on a pacifier and I won't have to break her of that habit. On the other hand, I may have to break her of the habit of thumb sucking although most kids break that habit themselves over time. As I'm sure pacifier babies as well. But she never did take to a pacifier too well anyway. That was tough when I'd try to help her go back to sleep by giving her a pacifier to comfort suck on and she wouldn't hold on to it. So the fact that she now thumb sucks to comfort herself means she isn't depending on anyone or anything to help her out. She can put herself to sleep. Again, nothing against pacifier babies. If Iever have one that ends up being one, so be it. I'm just proud that she can put herself back to sleep at this age.

OK... so that's one "new" thing. She grabs at her feet sometimes when you have her sitting up. It's pretty damn cute I have to say! She's still really interested in her hands and fingers and whatever goes into her hands too. But now when she's sitting up it's easier for her to grab her feet and she does.

She is such a babbler too! Oh my goodness it's so cute. She'll just sit there and go, "ahhhhhhh. (take a big breath) ahhhhhhhhhhhhh..." hehehehe... and you have to see her face. She puts so much passion into it. Almost as if she's singing and wants to hit that note and puts her all into it. Maybe she will be a singer!

So we've been staying at my brother Mark's house while our apartment is being put back in order after Ike. My neice Madeline has this sing along care bear called share bear. Well one day my sis in law Lisa was showing it to Toni and Toni really enjoyed it. Madeline, only being two years old, didn't exactly want to share... share bear. So she took it from Toni and Toni cried. hehehe.. poor thing. So Junior and I bought her one. HAHA! OK... now we were at the toy store and showing her all sorts of toys, other singing toys and they got her attention, but not like the care bear did. That just put a huge smile on her face that just brightened up her face. So we got her one... but we got cheer bear so they are different. Here's the cool part. They are interactive!!! We didn't know that! So when you put the two together, they "talk" to each other and sing songs together taking turns on diff parts. oh my goodness!!! Not only was Toni and Madeline so excited, but so was Lisa and I! hahaha! It's pretty damn cool. There's another care bear called funshine bear that can join in to. I'm thinking about it... hahaha! It just makes her so happy.

Toni has also really adapted to school. She's almost always really smily and laughing AND she drinks from the bottle, NO PROBLEM! In fact if she's hungry, she's excited to see the bottle. And fortunately, she still likes to nurse too! awww... I think my little girl is just growing up. :( I'm happy and sad! hahaha! Before I know it she'll be 18 and off to college. haha!Oh no... I'm going to be one of those mom's??? haha!

Post Ike

A whole week... whew. Well we're all ok. The power did go out that night of the last blog... or should I say really early the next morning. It was really scary. I think not only was I scared that the power was out and the wind and rain were blowing like crazy outside but for scared for Toni too. What if the window blows out. I'll have to hover over her quickly so glass won't cut her then run her out of there to some place else in the house. It was freaky. Real freaky. And although I was with family, I still felt alone in the whole thing. I can't really depend on them like I do Junior. I meanI COULD I'm sure they would help out, but it's weird for me to, you know. Don't want to burden anyone when they have their own lives and livelihood (sp?) to protect. Maybe in the event it really happens, my way of thinking would probably change. Well anyway, I'm glad we never had to go down that road. It was scary, I couldn't sleep through it and oh how i wish i could. But Toni was starting to get hot (A/C's out too!) and real restless trying to sleep.

So when it was over (or so we thought) there was no damage just the outage and it was getting uncomfortable. Toni was starting to show signs of a heat rash. As it turns out, my brother never lost power and he lives a little more west in Katy that Junior's family. But I didn't go there initially because I had Jake. But Junior's aunt and uncle suggested that I leave Jake with them and take her to my brother's house where there is AC and she'll feel better. So I did. It's weird to drive around after the storm comes through. Trees were rooted, no traffic lights working, some hanging, debree (sp?) everywhere.

Well we get there and she is instantly feeling better. She sleeps soundly for quite a while. poor thing. She even had her whole bottle! That night, apparently there was a second band of rain from Ike that no one saw coming. So then my brothers power out. Great. Fortunately, it wasn't out too long and it never really got uncomfortable. so we were ok.

So how did our home do? Not great, but not too bad either. It could be way worse. Junior got home Sunday night and gave us the not so good news. There was damage to the roof of our building. Some other buidlings too. Well we are on the third floor so we got more damage than the other floors. Guess the second floor is the best floor. ANYWAY, because of the roof damage water leaked into our bedroom. The walls were wet as well as the carpet. Oh and the ceiling too. So we weren't able to stay home. Actually Junior stayed b/c the fire alarm was going off like crazy but not b/c there was any fire or smoke but because the water shorted it or something and he didn't want to leave our apartment like that.

So he stayed and Toni and I stayed at my brother's. And to this day we are still staying there b/c there is the issue of mold... or maybe. They haven't tested for it yet. But they are working on the carpets and have the roof patched up until they are able to fix it.

Well Toni had her round two of shots Monday... yes the dr was still open! She cried and for some reason I wanted to cry this time. Weird. haha! Maybe just overwhelmed with all that was happening at the time. Monday the office was still closed but Tues they were open. So it was hectic trying to get ready to head back to work and Toni for school when we are still at someone else's home. But I managed to do it and still get to bed by about a little after midnight. But Toni's restlessness woke me up at 3am because she had a fever. Side effect from her shots so I wasn't really too worried but now I can't take her to school. So missed Tues of work. When I took her Wed, she barely ate. I had a small breakdown on my way "home." Just overwhelemed with all going on and here I am thinking she has to learn the bottle again and she's going to lose weight... I let it get to me and she wasn't in high spirits either. She wasn't in low spirits but she just was that day.

Well Thursday I made sure I talked to the director b/c she's always able to feed Toni. Toni ate well!! AND she was having a good day. Real playful and laughing and everything. Made my day too! I was happy as she was! I seriously think that overnight she met another milestone because here she is now babbling to herself while I drive and so happy and playful! So I'm happy too. I'd rather be happy at home, but happy is happy.

Hurricane Ike

Toni's first hurricane and at just 4 months old! Well there was Gustav, but he took a turn away from us so I guess that doesn't really count. We haven't really felt much of the effects... YET. Although we've been watching the news religiously and my goodness! Galveston is ALREADY flooded out and it hasn't even rained yet. Just the surge of waves alone has flooded it already. That's pretty scary. The bad part hasn't hit yet and already parts are underwater and homes. piers, building are already damaged... all due to the surge of waves. Sheesh. Reporters are getting knocked down and 2x4's are flying towards them. crazy. that is NOT the job i want!

Well Junior has to work this weekend. Sucky! Which means he is staying at the hospital all weekend. At least the hospital is built to take these things, so I'm not worried there. But there was the concern of me being alone with Toni and Jake and on the third floor. If things got so bad we had to evacuate, that would not be an easy task for me to do alone. I was going to stay with my brother in Missouri City, but that's even more south and closer to Galveston. So we decided against that. We instead headed west out to Katy where Toni, Jake and I are staying with Junior's family.

I'm not expecting too much damage to homes and things. I hope my car is ok too. What's worrying me now is that the media is saying to possibly expect a 15 day outage!? That's insane. I'm thinking Sunday things will start powering up again. I hope!

Anyway, wanted to get one last blog in before the outage!

Toni's Tiny Ponytail

OOPS

I have a correction to make. No, not on my typos. I've given up on that. But on my blog '4 months 2 weeks'. Apparently this mother has no clue how old her child is. She is ONLY 4 months 1 week! haha! hmmm... but she does relate pretty well to next weeks development! Advanced I tell you.

Getting Better

So this week, so far, is not as bad as last week. It is true, it does get better. And here I thought, it will never get better. I will always want to stay home with Toni... increasingly so. Don't get me wrong, if the opportunity presented itself and it was feasible I'd do it still! That will never change. But at least I'm not feeling so down about it anymore. Maybe it's because she's doing better with the whole thing as well. Actually, the better she was with the whole situation, the more it got harder for me because it almost feels as if she doesn't need me. Selfish? Maybe. But I'm her mother dammit. I'm allowed. haha! But she's not just getting better with it all, she is herself again and I think that plays a big part. These last couple of days when I went to pick her up, she'd smile at me and get really happy! So of course, that makes me happy. And when we get home, she likes to talk and play with me some before eating and going to bed. She's not as tired as she was initially. I'm sure that also has to do with her eating habits getting better and better. I think what may also play a part is that work is not quite as overwhelming as it was the first week. It is insane the amount of work and things you have to know! Seriously! But I don't mind the work load as much because I know I'll keep busy and be challenged which will make the day pass faster (and I can see Toni!) and I won't get bored. haha... I say that now, but maybe six months from now I'll take that back and wish I could take a break. haha! we'll see.

Toni's hair is getting pretty long, but it still sticks straight up! haha! So yesterday I had the great idea of tying her hair in a tiny ponytail on the top of her head. HEE HEE!!!! She looked like a little kung fu girl with her hair like those kung fu people... kind of. The TINY ponytail sticks STRAIGHT, but I couldn't get all of her hair in it. So her bangs and side hair are still down. hahaha! I took a picture with my camera phone, but the quality isn't so great. Maybe I'll print it anyway. Later I put a clip in her hair to hold back her bangs. Oh my... soooooo adorable! I was going to take a pic with the regular camera but the battery was dead. So I charged it and stupid me, I proceeded to give her a bath after that which means I took all of the stuff out of her hair. DUH GAIL! Oh well. One day I'll try again. That tiny rubber band was BARELY in her hair to begin with! You could flick it with your finger and it could fly off. haha! Maybe next time I"ll get ambitious and try for pigtails! Awww.... my little princess! It's insane how much I love this girl!

4 Months 2 Weeks

This is used to be the layout of my blog when I was still pregnant with weekly updates. But I guess once I had Toni, that got a little harder to keep up. Plus, some of the weekly updates I could care less for and soon enough, there will be way too many weeks to count. When do you just go by months? hmm...

Nevertheless, I decided to do this blog in that format. So here's the babycenter.com update:

Your 4-month-old: Week 1
How your baby's growing:Researchers believe that your baby can now understand all the basic sounds that make up his native language. Between this time and 6 months of age, he'll develop the ability to make some of these sounds, which means you may hear the words you've been dreaming about, namely "mama" and "dada." While child development experts say it's too early for your baby to connect those sounds with you, that won't make hearing them any less exciting.You can encourage your baby's attempts at communication by mirroring or imitating his expressions and sounds. He may try to imitate you, too. Say "ba" and he may try to say it back.Reacting when your baby makes noises or tries to say something will help him learn the importance of language and better understand cause and effect. It's great for his self-esteem, too: He'll begin to realize that what he says makes a difference.

OK, I decided to put this one in because I am noticing more and more everyday that Toni is much more vocal. I don't mean just in making sounds, but you can really tell she is trying to make something of those sounds. I swear today when I said "alright" to her she tried to copy me. It sounded more like "ahh-ight" (that's hard to mimic in a blog) and I know she may have not been trying to copy me and it just came out, but still. She is advanced. haha! And today she just kept going on and on like she had so much to tell me.

When I picked her up at the school today she was crying her head off and the girl in the room was taking her out of the swing to try and calm her down. I was thinking, "yeah, if she's crying like that. She doesn't want to be put down; you better hold her." Well she was still crying a bit and I took her from the girl and just like that, she stopped. *smug smile* Ahhh... a mother's touch. So I started asking her, "what's wrong? why you crying?" And she just gave me that huge laugh/smile. Melts my heart! But almost like she knew she was trying to get her way. I know at this age babies are still too young to know how to manipulate, but I did say she was advanced, didn't I? haha!

Her stationary entertainer has got to be one of the best things invented out there and I highly recommend it to anyone with a baby or having one. I mean from day one I could track and watch her develop so fast; I mean it's only been 4 months! But having the stationary helps that so much and it's fun to watch her develop with it. When I first put her in hte stationary, I had to watch her some because she was still a bit wobbly and would sometimes get her hand stuck in hole where her legs go. So I'd stay and watch her play just in case. The first time was amazing because she already tried batting at some of the toys and would just stare and study these toys and she'd be completely satisified with doing that. Just in the one month that she's been playing with it, som much has changed. Her muscles have gotten much stronger that I can actually leave her for a couple of minutes and know she's ok. She can still be wobbly at times, but that's the point of the stationary; to hold her in place in case she loses balance. She can now grab these toys she used to bat at and tried her best to put them in her mouth, sometimes succeeding! She can turn herself all the way around in her seat. There is this one toy on there that has plastic pages like in a book; only about 2 of them. She can flip them. And it's so funny because sometimes she studies them so intently it's like she's reading a book! haha! She, of course, will still squeal and babble while playing and sometimes laugh. No, she still doesn't full on giggle but 2 or 3 "hehs" in a row is still fun to hear! She especially does it when you rub your nose or kiss her belly. She loves that!

Doing my research

Apparently kids in daycare get a cold 10-12 times a year on average and it can take up to 3 weeks to fully recover. YIKES! However, after the initial onset of the illness, if the child is not with a fever (and it is just a cold) they are not considered to be infectious anymore hence the reason you sometimes see kids coughing at school. Hmmm... I suppose. I think I only partially believe that. But 10-12 times a year on average! Scary number isn't it? They say it's because they are being exposed (many for the first time) to the millions of viruses out there. There is nothing wrong with their immnue systems, it's just a new exposure. Guess that is whythey say to allow them to be exposed to an extent so they can build their immnue system. I guess part of me knew that but didn't really realize it... if that makes sense. And they say it's much more common during the winter months. So we shall see how this goes.

Preventive measures? None really? They say you can't really avoid it although you can try to better the situation. simple things like washing your hands, washing your baby's hands and continuing to breastfeed (it still amazes me the power of breastfeeding and human milk). So, I guess I'll just continue as much as possible. My plan is to try and breastfeed for at least a year. Maybe not neessarily nurse for a year (Since I'm not sure how I'll like the teeth situation) but at least pump and feed up to 12 months. That's the goal. But there is that part of me that wants to have my breast back so I can diet like I know how and lose the 20lbs of weight I'm still carrying by my 30th birthday this February. I plan to look hot dammit. haha! But it's hard when you can't diet and lose weight too fast or your milk supply will lower. But on the other hand, if I can breastfeed her up to 12 months then after her one year birthday I can start giving her cow's milk and skip the formula altogether! Sounds appealing to me. So I guess I'll just take it a day at a time and see what happens.

First Fever

My poor baby! Saturday morning she woke up with a bit of a cough. But she was fine and in high spirits. In fact, when I picked her up from school on Friday, she was much more herself than she had been that week. She's eating even better than the day before so I think that may have something to do with it. She didn't seem as tired as she usually was and even had the energy to play with me some when we got home. The rest of the week she would eat and fall asleep when we got home. This time she still had energy to play some. And she smiled and laughed like I had been missing. So I think she was feeling better about the new situation and was I. Much better. Made my tough week a little easier. Whew. There's hope after all.

Anyway, she awoke Saturday morning with a bit of a cough. Immediately I'm thinking, "that damn kid with the cough!" haha... actually I should say, "that damn mom who brought her coughing kid to school!" But that was Tuesday I heard him coughing. Her first day. And she was fine all week so I figured it was all good. I don't know if the kid was coughing all week, though. Anyway it was bound to happen right? So I figured it was no big deal and we just gave her a bit of medicine to help the cough go away.

Around 3am this morning, she started crying. She was fussing before that but when she does that she usually falls back to sleep or is just hungry. This time neither of those were true. I felt her and she was burning up! At first I thought, it's because I covered her up with a lot of blankets. Often when I feel cold, I figure she must be and cover her up too only to find that she wasn't cold because she's sweatin' like crazy when I do that. I guess I get colder easier than she does. So I took the covers off but she wouldn't stop crying. I changed her diaper, still wouldn't stop crying. So I held her for a bit and tried to rock her back to sleep, still crying and I'm noticing she's not cooling down. So I wake Junior up (yes he can sleep through all this) and we take her temp. 101.2. MY POOR LITTLE GIRL!!! No wonder. Even her cries were a little different. Poor thing. She must have been hurting. We gave her more of her medicine, changed her into long sleeve jammies with the footies and were determined to have her sweat it out. I also fed her too. She would sleep maybe 20-30 minutes before waking up and crying again. I'd pat her back to get her back to sleep. We did that maybe 3 or 4 times this morning. But she had been sweating like crazy which was a good sign and she didn't feel as hot as before. We checked her temp again and it was 99.7 so the fever was going down, thank God. Gave her another dose of medicine. By this time Iwas so freakin' tired I only slept maybe 2 straight hours the whole night. So Junior took her to the living room with him while he watched football and she slept on him, still covered. I finally got some rest. Maybe only another 2 hours but I'll take it! We took her temp again after I woke up and she is now 98.7. whew! Thank God! But we both decided that she still needs to rest up and fully recover before she goes back to school. Since Junior happens to be off Monday, he'll stay home with her.

My poor, poor baby. Those cries... they were different cries. She must have really been hurting. She's alseep now. Resting. We're still keeping her covered up for now because we don't want her to catch a chill and then catch another fever. But she seems to be doing much better now. Well, it was bound to happen. She bound to have a fever at some point and probably get sick from school. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon AND I'm hoping it's coincidence it happened this soon and that this won't be a common thing. I really think it was that kid, though. Why did that lady even bring her child to school sick! Well, it happens. I'm just hoping, again, that is won't be common.

So today we didn't go to church because she was sick and is still recovering. Kind of a bummer since I was going to inquire about her getting baptised today! I guess I'll just have to give the church a call sometime this week.

Holy Smokes

By chance, I happen to look at my horoscope today. Normally if I read these things that's all I do. I read it, then I forget about it. But I kid you not it's what I happened to do after I posted the last blog. Here is what it said:

The already-thin line between your family and your career is getting even thinner right now -- but you don't have to stress out about it. This might not be such a bad thing, at least for the time being. Mixing these two worlds together will enable you to operate more smoothly and efficiently in both of them! So try to embrace this time in your life. Sure, it might be a bit more hectic than you would like it to be for a while, but it will definitely be rewarding in the end.

WHOA! right? So I guess all will work out. But I think a part of me doesn't want it to work out that way. I want to just stay with her. Maybe that's why I'm having a harder time. hmmm... guess THAT'S what I really need to work on. Acceptance. Bummer.

Mommy needs you more than you need her

Ok, maybe that's not totally true right now but I tell you it's how I feel. I really do like my new job and being back out there, but when I pick her up from daycare (and mind you I leave RIGHT AT 5PM with not a minute to spare) she's so chill. They say that the first day she cried and they figured she was looking for me WHICH they say is rare for a baby so young. Usually the younger ones don't really know what's going on yet and so they don't have that seperationg anxiety yet. I told them she's advanced. haha! I know, I'm biased but I'm telling you I really believe she is ahead by a month or so. The second day they said she cried less and was getting better and today even better. Which, by the way, she is doing much better with her eating! Thank God because I was worried she'd start losing weight! I want my baby to be chunky! She's still 100% at what she should be eating but today was significantly better. The director had to feed her herself and really cuddle her. She requested I send something, like a shirt, with my scent on it so when they feed her it will help. So yes... I guess she DOES still need me but when I picked her up today she was chill like it was no thing. I couldn't even get her to give me that heart melting smile. She just looked at me like she looks at just anyone. This is where you que in my crying. I was hoping she'd be excited to see me. And when we got home, I tried playing with her and I got her to smile and laugh here and there but nothing like before. Before it was instant. Now I have to work at it. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I feel like this is a bigger adjustment for me than it is her. I told her today, "you don't need mommy anymore? Mommy still needs you." haha... oh my goodness it's making me tear up just thinking about it. I'm such a weak nut. I really, really, really wish I could stay home with her. But if I ever want to get a house for our family and future family, Junior's income alone will not sustain us all. Sigh... I never thought I'd be one of those who would want to be a stay at home mom but darn it... I am. I am looking forward to this weekend though. I can spend 24/2 with her. I want to cry now. I want to spend 24/7 with her. They say it gets easier, but it feels like it's getting tougher. haha... I'm not really laughing. I think they mean easier for her, harder for me. I need to work on that.

I Cried

Yes, I cried. We dropped her off and you can totally tell who the newbie was. There I was standing in her room just staring at her while parents came in and out dropping their kids off... yet I'm just standing there and the teachers are looking at me like "you can go now." haha! Of course I needed to give her just one more kiss... about five times. She smiled, the big one like she's almost laughing. Then as we were leaving the room, she followed us with her eyes out and still staring at us through the window still doing fine and here I am taking deep breaths to hold it together. I quickly say bye to the director on the way out because talking would just make me spill. As soon as we got out, the tears came. Junior was like, "Are you going to be ok?" I said yes, but I was so heartbroken.

But of course (and fortunately) all was well. She did fine. Well... maybe not 100% fine. She didn't eat too much because she kept refusing the bottle. Sigh.... but once I tried feeding her the bottle after Junior picked her up, she did just fine. Hmm... weird. It seems seh only takes the bottle from me. But then again, I'm sure she was so hungry that she just latched on and drank her way into happy land. Tonight both Junior and I fed her with a bottle and she did just fine. So I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day for her in terms of that.

First day of work was good, overwhelming and tons of work, but good. At least there was so much going on (I already attended 2 meetings... what do I know?) that it helped pass the day away. So by the time Junior came to pick me up he had Toni already. Made my day! I have to admit, though, that while I pumped during the day I could do nothing but think of her. I mean I was pumping for her, but that "down" time gave me the chance to miss her. I teared a little. haha! Well, hopefully tomorrow will be better. This time I get to pick her up from daycare. So that should be a new experience for me.

Bitter Sweet

The day has come. Tomorrow (technically today) is Toni's first day at day care and my first day back at work and at a new job. It's all overwhelming actually. Just thinking about leaving her makes me tear. I am going to look a wreck when I get to my new job! People are going to think I'm hooked on crack or something.

We've just finished getting everything together for her. All her bottles, diaper and wipe supply, change of clothes, blanket, diaper rash cream just in case... PAPER WORK. sigh... I've managed to freeze about 23-24 oz of milk. whew! That's tough when you have a baby wanting to eat and you are trying to freeze a supply. Hopefully while at work I'll be able to pump enough to the next day. I really, really hope so!

I'm so worried with how Toni will be. Will she give them a hard time with the bottle and not eat until I pick her up??? I hope not! But I've heard it can happen in the beginning. Ugh... just thinking about everything is too much. I need to relax and just chill out. I need to get my mindset so I can focus on my new job! Don't want to look bad on the first day.

Some little things she's accomplished or is getting the hang of: holding her bottle. I know, she hasn't even taken to the bottle 100% yet but already she tries to hold it while I try to feed her. Little miss independent already. If I hold her in my lap she starts squirming and she can't even crawl yet! I think the time she spends in the stationary entertainer gives her so much independence that she forgets she can't be that independent on her own outside of it. She is a strong little munchkin! Everyone that's been around her is so amazed at the strength in her neck and legs. They can't believe she's at the point she is at already. Sometimes I think her brain or thinking is ahead of her capabilities. It seems like she wants to crawl, or walk or jump or grab (easily) at things and she hasn't even mastered the skill yet. But it's kind of cool because I think it motivates her to get better. Especially her hand-eye coordination. She's getting better at grabbing things and bringing them to her mouth although sometimes she misses. But she's getting there.

OH! This past Saturday we were at my cousins house for a family gathering. One of my aunts was holding Toni and Toni was fine. She wasn't upset or squirming or anything. Junior went up to Toni and put his hands out and said, "Come to Daddy." And she did! She did that lean into Junior. THAT IS NEW! She hasn't done that before! So Junior went to tell me about it and we weren't sure if it was coincidence or what. So he told me to try. So I did and she came to me! Coincidence twice? Maybe. But I believe she did it intentionally. Although no one could get her to do it again, but maybe that's because she was already with Mommy. hehe.... makes me feel a little better. Well we tried again yesterday and it didn't work either way. So maybe it was coincidence or maybe she's just learning. But my sis in law had a point. Once babies are able to do that, it also means you'll will start experiencing rejection. GASP! Break my heart already, would you? She's right but still.

OK. So although Toni starts school tomorrow and I start a new job, I'm still somewhat excited. Aside from my worries and missing Toni, I am excited to start a new job... AND using my MIS degree no less! Finally! Plus I can start getting back on a regular eating schedule and maybe start losing some of this baby weight! It's so hard to eat regularly (6 times a day) when either I'm about to eat and Toni requires my attention or it's nap time (For her and me). Now I know I could skip naps and eat and then I'd have a regular eating schedule but sleep is much more important than eating to me. ahha! Plus I feed Toni while lying down and we both nap together. It's great bonding! So I'm excited to regain part of my life back and actually start dressing too. I sometimes wear my jammies until I go out and it's not often I get to go out. I would have loved to take her outside for walks but it is too damn hot for that, thank you very much. I'm sure she'd hate it too. So it really is bitter sweet for me. I hate leaving my baby girl but I get to have a life again. Sigh... still... if I won the lotto you better bet your ass I'd stay home!